On the first of December 2013 we lost our first baby with a miscarriage at about 9 weeks. It was horrible. Not just the actual process but emotionally it took me very long to accept it. What made it worse was that we were struggling to get pregnant afterwards. The waiting was torture…I was heartbroken every time my menstrual cycle returned. A year later when December 2014 came around I was in a very bad place. I think I cried every single day, especially when you cant help wonder what Christmas might have been like with what would have been your 6 month old baby.
Miscarriage isn’t something many women speak about yet it happens to between 10-25% of all clinically recognised pregnancies according to the American Pregnancy Organisation. That means that it’s really quite common. Yet the emotions of what we know could have been makes each of us feel like it’s completely our own burden to bear.
16 months after our miscarriage we found out we were pregnant again! Finally! The stress of worrying about loosing this baby too was something I had to deal with on a daily basis. I had to deal with it, and not let it get the better of me. The one thing I had learnt after the loss of our first baby is that you never forget your grief, you just learn to live with it. But you have to own it, accept it and live with it each day, but never let it take over you.
Being pregnant you suddenly realise how little control you really have in life.
For a while I regretted posting our pregnancy announcement so early on Facebook, but realised afterwards that I actually regretted not sharing our loss. Close family and friends knew what had happened but when other social media connections would ask about our pregnancy it was heartbreaking having to say it out loud, “We lost our baby.”
Sharing our loss would not only have made it easier for me to responds to questions but it would have shown a truer side of life, the side that no human gets do do life without, we all experience heartbreak somehow.
I don’t morn the loss of my first baby anymore, but I choose not to forget either. I have accepted it as part of my story, my journey that has made me stronger, more compassionate and so grateful for the baby I have now.
I think I might just share our now almost 15 month old’s Birth story with you guys soon as well, if you want?
I’d love to tell it.
Honnest Mom Love